The joys of Decorating……

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So, It’s New years eve, I am already getting bored at the thought of endless months of nothingness.  So I make the suggestion of renovating the house, sure why would you not? we could have a bigger kitchen, a room to lock our teenager in (did I just say that??), more storage space, and all this for a few months of upheaval.  Sure go ahead………….NO…………NO…………..NO.

Fast forward 18 months, the planning permission is through, the plans are sorted, the excitement is building and we are ready to go. It was June, the kids were just finished school and we were all excited at the thought of camping in the garden, eating under the stars and barbecuing all summer long.

Fast forward four months, the house is still a wreck, our garden is now a bathroom ( there is actually a bath and toilet IN the garden), I can’t find kids most mornings, never mind clothes and shoes, and as for the %^&king barbecue, well I never want to see it again.

The joys of being woke by a wonderful view and the sound of the birds singing, has now been replaced by a builders bum and the sweet song of a kongo hammer.  The harsh realities have finally dawned, and here are a few things I wish people had told me.

THE DUST – Its EVERYWHERE, up your nose, in your cupboard, it even follows you out of the house…. I took the kids to school the other day and while all the other kids were sitting in their lovely new school uniforms, in walked the willys, work boots, dust,  helmets and spirit levels.

DINING – What can I say?? it’s been hell.  My beautiful living room units now hold weetabix, crunchy nut and rice crispies, the staple diet for summer 15.  Throw in a few plastic spoons and call it a dinner party.  On the plus side, I am beginning to enjoy wine from a  plastic Barbie tumbler, crystal is so overrated.

SLEEPING ARRANGEMENTS – Well that’s simple, you sleep where you fall, be it the sofa, the floor, or even the toilet (not the one in the garden).  Rather than expose my lovely clean quilts to the dust, we all took to our sleeping bags for a few months, ah what fun….. NOT.  The fear of trying to wake a sodden child while thinking “please be sweat” (my washing machine is on the verge of a nervous breakdown) will stay with me forever.

CLEANLINESS – My children have not been bathed for three months (showers don’t count) and other than taking them to the swimming pool, we are totally stuck.  Even when they do get washed, the dust sticks to them before they are dried.  Housework is limited and there is only so much hoovering of dust a person (and a hoover) can take. As for the dishes, I often have to take them out to the “bath” to wash them (The neighbours are starting to stare and a few “for sale” signs have appeared on the street)

JUNK -We have so much of it (it is unbelievable how much crap one can gather over nine years) my kids are also at an age were “possession is everything” headless dolls are a necessity and broken guns a fashion statement.  I have now resorted to “dumping” in the middle of the night and have even gone to the extent of “pretending” to look for the headless frozen doll (I was very convincing).

NEIGHBOURS – I always knew my neighbours were pretty cool, they smile politely when the kids hit tennis balls, golf balls and on the odd occasion each other, over their walls.  But I am not so sure how they feel after witnessing me unload endless bags of rubbish into the bath in the garden at 2 in the morning (great hiding place until the neighbours bins go out and then you can race round and throw in all the headless dolls and blame the neighbours!!). They have also witnessed the “sleeping bag olympics” (they were bored, there was no playstation……… or electric).  Is it any wonder there are five houses for sale on our street?

But with every cloud and all that, there have been some advantages

  • My kids have become very adaptable and can eat with chopsticks (well their fingers but it’s still a talent)
  • 3 Weetabix is now considered a “meal”
  • No ‘playdates’ (no decent parent would send their child to a building site) what can I say?, I am devastated…. not!!!!!
  • I am no longer considered ‘fussy’ (my kitchen guy called and asked what colour of doors I would like and I told him I would take anything he had, as long as he could fit it that week, I must say the purple doors are quite a conversation starter!!)
  • After our team of builders witnessed the following, I feel I will never feel embarrassed again a) a full scale domestic over the lay out of the kitchen (of course I won!!!) b) someone may have farted early one morning thinking there was no one about c) shamelessy chasing a child with a wooden spoon (bad daddy)

We are coming to the end of our house renovations and it is beginning to take shape, but now that it looks like everyone in the neighbourhood is moving out, we might just buy somewhere new………………..