We are currently in the midst of attempting to steer two teenage boys through life and appear to be making a total cock up. No matter how long you breastfed them, how organic your home cooked meals were or how many times you read the gruffalo you will invariably become public enemy no 1 to Chucky.
The thought of steering the other three through this hell jungle has got me thinking. Why not just cut the crap and give them a “guide” on how to act. Now my experience has, thus far been with boys (I imagine I will be parenting the girl from a mental institution).
So here goes:
In order to become a successful teenager you must plan your entry with military precision. The transformation must happen overnight. Be sure to lull those oldies into a false sense of security by being a model child, make them think they have made it. But all the while, train like an SAS recruit and then pick your time with precision. This chrysalis should be at a time when they feel they are safe and relaxed, like on holiday.
Practice these basic steps and you will have them bald and on a slow drip fed of Valium in no time.
- LANGUAGE– You speak a new language now, which consists of grunts and farts. Eye contact is a thing of the past and it is essential that the oldies say “what??” at least three times per sentence. Oh, and every sentence finishes with “dude”……
- SPEED – Is a thing of the past, everything must be taken at a snails pace (unless you’re scoffing pot noodle). Double your time in the bathroom, in bed and getting out any door. To get a feel for your new pace,slouch your shoulders and trail your feet…… Now you’re working it bro.
- YOUR ASS– A very important part of your new life, reveal it at all times, with low (and I mean really low) hanging jeans. The ass is also the place where everything must be left, clothes, dishes, homework and most importantly, sports kit.
- YOUR SIBLINGS – Public enemy no 2 bro, ditch those dudes ASAP. At every available opportunity wind them up, punch them when they least expect it. Always strike at inappropriate times, restaurants, bedtime, anytime you see the oldies getting nervous or tired. Chinese burns and dead legs are a must.
- FOOD– Home cooked meals are a thing of the past. It’s Mickey D’s, super noodles, and frozen pizza (with lots of packaging) from here on. It’s always best to wait until a home cooked meal has been set in front of you before launching your attack. It goes without saying that food should always be eaten in your room and storing utensils under your bed is practically putting them in the dishwasher!!!
- YOUR BEDROOM – Is your training camp and where you must spend at least 80% of your day. NEVER let any oldie or sibling in there and scream like a girl if anyone steps within a 1 metre radius. This is where you train, this is your secret haven. Your bedroom floor is magic, it dries towels, it removes clothes and can hide an entire Jamie Oliver dining set for weeks on end.
- YOUR ELECTRONIC DEVICE– Must never leave your side. Make sure you get them really suspicious by replacing your friend’s name in your contact list to “drug dealer 1”. Your mum is also guaranteed to think you’re talking to her when you are playing Fifa with some pervert from Brazil. She will babble away to you before she realises the pervert can see her crazy hair and pjs. Only at this point are you allowed to make eye contact and scream at her for being human. Watch her scratch her head, retreat from the room and have a long discussion with dad. No oldie is gonna sleep tonight dude.
Finally, remember you are king of the house and challenge anyone who says anything different. You know everything and adults??? Pha…..they were never teenagers, they were born 30. Inflict your new found knowledge of everything at every available opportunity and only withdraw if:
A) You sense a heart attack or nervous breakdown
B) You find yourself being physically removed from your home by a crazed oldie who has threatened to leave you naked in the street
C) they start to push drug leaflets under your door
D) either one of your parents start drinking wine with their breakfast….. You’ve gone too far.
Good luck bros…………………
Great writings and very humorous. Didn’t know you were blogging – great stuff!
That kind of thkiinng shows you’re an expert
I share your pain and he’s not yet 10,,,,
Hilarious Stephanie and sadly oh, so true.
So funny and 100% accurate.
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I love this!! Thank you, really was starting to think I was the only person who has one of these identical models in my house!
Try it with girls Stephanie. Great blog!