The Perfect Mummies Guide to Holidays

 

 

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So it would appear that I have become somewhat of a guru to all you slummy Mummies out there, the Dalai Lama of how NOT to do it. So rather than blow my own organically-crafted-recycled trumpet, I have made use of my time to give you a guide to holidaying with your perfect little families.

RULE NO 1 – ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR CHILD’S NAME!!!


Seems simple enough, but what happens when you CHANGE your child’s name, not so easy then is it? But what was that registrar doing coming round the ward mere minutes after I had given birth? …and still high on a cocktail of pethedene, gas and air and anything else that was within arms reach.
After coming down from my drug induced high, I decided that “Cuthbert” was not the best name for a little boy, but it was too late, little Miss Clipboard had headed out of the ward and my pleas in the registrar’s office fell on deaf ears. The end result??? My second son, has a totally different name on his passport. You go perfect Mamma!

LESSON LEARNT-Just keep me away from a) the gas and air tank b) anyone with a clipboard (until the child is at least 48 hours old and the drugs are out of your system.)

RULE NO 2- ALWAYS CHECK THE DATE ON YOUR PASSPORT.

Again seems fool proof, but what happens when you are so smug about remembering to renew your son’s passport before his fifth birthday that you forgot you also have a TEN year old son (I’m numerically challenged). That is really good fun at the check out desk. Tears and tantrums and 3 nervous breakdowns later, we got let on with our 3 month out-of-date passport and completed the walk of shame down the plane to applause from all the ‘perfect parents’ who keep regular passport watch.

LESSON LEARNT-Each passport has a sticker on the back with childs name (or drug induced choice of name) and expiry date.

RULE NO 3 – MAKE THE FAMILY WEAR THE SAME COLOUR.

Bit of an incident in Spain where we tried to put an unwilling toddler into the pram. Turns out it wasn’t ours, the Spanish parents were NOT happy. Enough said.

LESSON LEARNT- Not ALL families are dressed in luminous yellow T-shirts at airports, but ours are… and so far no planes have landed on us, so far…….

RULE NO 4 – PREPARE FOR THE UNEXPECTED.

All it takes is one dirty nappy or a regurgitation of milk to turn your perfect world upside down. While descending on a flight to America, our son, well, exploded, up the back, out the sides, IN the changing bag, all over us and the spare clothes. We smelt for days, but on the plus side, we got rushed through immigration!!!

LESSON LEARNT-Hand luggage should be filled with wipes and each child put in at LEAST three nappies for takeoff and landing.

RULE NO 5 – MAKE SURE THE NUMBER TRAVELLING EQUALS THE NUMBER OF PASSPORTS IN THE BAG.

Oh yeah, organized Mamma strikes again!!! 7 tickets, 6 passports!!!! Arrrggggghhhhh, I have no idea how we found it, but one of the kids had taken it out of the bag and hid it under the travel cot in the hotel room (it had nothing to do with me wanting to leave one behind!!)
.  Thank goodness we noticed before we left the hotel.

LESSON LEARNT – Just pass that responsibility onto Daddy, you delivered them, end of.

RULE NO 6 – ALWAYS HAVE TRAVEL INSURANCE AND KNOW WHERE THE NEAREST HOSPITAL IS.

Within the first three days of our holiday we had been to the hospital once and the out-of-hours surgery twice. One child split his head open at the pool (front flipping, of course) and two had severe ear infections. The result? Three children under the age of 4 not allowed to submerge their heads underwater for two weeks, sure you know our apartment had a pool, and yes two weeks did seem like two years.

LESSON LEARNT – No matter what your children tell you, swimming pools are NOT good, also ear plugs are a great idea, if nothing else it will drown out the sounds of “I wanna go in the pool!!”

RULE NO 7 – PUT BRIGHT RIBBON OR A BELT ON YOUR SUITCASE!!!

(Don’t worry about looking stupid sure you’re going to be walking about in luminous T-shirts anyway remember?) It is not a good start to a holiday when you have to explain to your kids why their clothes have magically transformed into an Ann Summer’s sample sale. I wont go into details but lets just say that there were a few “Rabbit” races around the hotel before we could get the suitcase back to its rightful owner.

LESSON LEARNT – ALWAYS open your suitcase alone, you have no idea what might pop out.

RULE NO 8 – BE PREPARED FOR EVERYONE TO SPEAK ENGLISH.

While on the no-heads-under-water holiday, we had to try and entertain the kids away from the pool, which is not easy. So we decided to play, I spy, we were all getting into the spirit of it when my three year old piped up “I spy with my little eye, a big fat man with a hairy belly”. So of course we chuckled to ourselves, told him that wasn’t nice and that he was lucky the fat man didn’t speak English, to which fatty replied “I’m from Essex love”…

LESSON LEARNT – Just keep under 5s away from everyone who speaks English, because if they are not fat, they are hairy/wrinkly neck/yellow teeth. Remember if it goes through YOUR head it’s guaranteed to come out THEIR mouth.

RULE NO 9 – TRY YOUR CLOTHES ON BEFORE YOU GO ON HOLIDAY.

Now, in my defence I had just had my fourth baby and obviously thought my old clothes would fit. You know what it’s like, you pack everyone else’s bag, no time to do your own, so you just throw in last year’s stuff. Those shorts were so tight, I got chaffed to ribbons and I am embarrassed to say that comfort won and I ended up spending a week in the sun, in… my husbands boxers!!!! (Thankfully the swimsuit still fitted!!!)

LESSON LEARNT – ALWAYS try on your holiday clothes and use the smaller sizes for the start of the week when the dodgy tummy hits and bigger clothes for the end of the week, when the Margaritas hit.

RULE NO 10 – REMEMBER THE NAME OF YOUR HOTEL/APARTMENT/TENT.

I managed to get up three flights of stairs with a buggy, a rubber ring, a huge inflatable dolphin and a few groceries. The sweat was pouring out of me and I couldn’t wait to get back to the room for a lovely glass of water. Room 321, so easy to remember but when I knocked on the door there was no answer so I presumed my husband had taken the kids down to the pool and so I tried the key in the door, no luck. I traipsed back down to reception in a rage and told them that the key to my room was not working (now my rage was justified as the key had to be replaced on numerous occasions). So with sweat pouring out of me, a screaming toddler in the pram and holding an inflatable dolphin I told the receptionist that this was the fourth time this had happened and enough was enough, she asked to look at the key and, yes you guessed it, I was in the wrong hotel. It is very hard to slither away while holding an inflatable dolphin. I didn’t leave my room after that.

LESSON LEARNT- Look you are going to get a tattoo on holiday which means nothing anyway, so you may as well get your hotel name and room number put on there and be done with it!!!!

I hope this has given you an insight into how to organize a perfect,unflawed holiday for you and your family.  To all the people who have had the pleasure of travelling with us…. There’s never a dull moment with the Willys eh??  Just remember as long as you have your passport and credit card you can go anywhere. Wanna hear about the time I forgot my credit card?

Until next time Mammas…