So the festive season is about to come and hit us over the head with a bauble and with it comes all the normal stresses. What to buy, what to wear, how to lose a stone in a day, and how to look great on the all important “GNO” (girls night out).
EVERY woman needs a good old girls night out. They should be given free on the NHS to help us poor downtrodden women to deal with life, don’t worry about cutting the tax on tampons just give the girls a monthly dose of G&Ts with her besties and the world will be a safer place for all.
But do you ever notice, that you need certain “characters” to make the girls night complete? You need……
LITTLE MISS ORGANISED – No one is going anywhere without this little organised dynamo. She will gather nos, phone the restaurants and make sure the night gets off to a cracking start. She will have a spreadsheet, with who has paid what, a time sheet for drinks and she will do a headcount at every bar. This woman never shys away from having the kitty, ordering drinks and phoning taxis. She will also have tissues for the unorganised piss stops, hair bands to hold your hair while you puke and even a plaster in case you bang your head on the wall………….again. We Love and need Little Miss Organiser.
LITTLE MISS RACER – Also known as the “one bar wonder”, she is first at the restaurant, first to order a drink and first to grab the waiters ass before you have started your main course. Be wary of this lady, because she is gonna knock back 2 litres of pinot grigio before you have taken your coat off and before you know it she will be dribbling incoherently and telling you she loves you. Its is always handy to have a wheelbarrow on standby for this little beast, then all you need to do is wheel her to the next bar, where she will sober up enough to contribute to the kitty before falling asleep again and thats when she comes in useful. No need to pay expensive cloakroom charges, simply put this little lady in the corner, cover her in coats and handbags and stick your iPhones in her bra and if she was really abusive earlier, just draw on her. (don’t worry Little Miss Organised will have a pen)
LITTLE MISS MOANER – Oh dear, nothing is ever right for Little Miss Moaner. She will change the date at least three times, complain that she didn’t get enough ice in her drink and fall out with the barman/waiter/dj/taximan. You will ask yourself why she was even invited and just when you are about to ditch her, you will look round and find her on stage/in the dj box or trying to get into the mens toilets, she will do something that is so hilarious you remember why she is part of the gang.
LITTLE MISS HYPER – She starts off quiet but as the night goes on she livens up and by the time you end up at the nightclub, this bitch is buzzing. She will hit the dance floor (podium or pole) and dance the night away while simultaneously downing shots and having the time of her life. She is funny to watch and so much fun to be with, but don’t get too close, because when the lights go down this little duracell bunny is looking for more. Oh yes, she’s the one that wants the kebab, the one that thinks that hedge diving should be an olympic sport. But woe betide any of you sistas, who want to sleep, because this little bunny will keep going until 6am, please also be warned that this girl can lead you into a) a strange crowd b) a bus to bangor c) a prison cell. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!
LITTE MISS RECORDER – Be wary of this girl, because she remembers EVERYTHING, and before you even have a chance to wipe the 2am kebab sauce from your chin, this little twat will have you tagged in 79 posts and photos to prove that you “can’t actually do the splits”, (but trying it on the dance floor was a great idea). This little journalist will be first up the next morning whatsapping the finer details of the night and asking you why you ended up in your neighbours hedge with your kebab. She will remember everything and she aint gonna let you forget it.
LITTLE MISS MOTHER EARTH – She shall grace you with her presence about once a year, she will only have stopped breast feeding her five year old that evening and will want to discuss everything about home schooling, baking carb free bread and your general misdemeanours as a mother. Do NOT sit beside mother earth for at least on hour, once she gets onto her fourth drink and starts leaking breastmilk on the dance floor, she will be much better craic.
LITTLE MISS ROUND SKIPPER – She will donate exactly £7.53 to the restaurant fund, having not had any bread or starter. She will then hump at the price of the kitty and refuse to give anyone more than one tonic per double gin. Her beady little eyes will count every drink and she will drink hers through a straw, so she can get drunk on precisely £5.53 . Keep a close eye on this blade as she is often seen “going to the toilet” when it is her round. But be smart and follow her to the loo, because she is the aladdins cave of hidden necessities. She will always have toilet roll hidden, an emergency fiver to get home, and if you’re lucky the £2 she saved at the bar, will help with the super chip on the way home.
LITTLE MISS STRANGER – You meet her in tescos (other shops are available), she looks so sad, you feel so sorry for her, so you ask if she would like to come out with you and your girlfriends. BIG MISTAKE, by midnight this little gremlin will reveal her true colours. She will thank you all endlessly for inviting her, before crying about her ex husband who left her for a 20 year old lap dancer. She will use ALL the tissues to dry her tears and leave you mentally tortured (with no loo roll). She will locate her ex at the bar and tell him all about her “new” friends before head butting the lap dancer and getting you all thrown out. NOW you know why she has no friends.
LITTLE MISS PERFECT- She always knows the right things to say, her dress sense is impeccable (and always a size 8), her lipstick never smudges and she never steps in dog dirt. But every once in a while Little Miss Perfect will fall from her perfect pink pedestal and it will be worth the wait, the lipstick will smudge she will puke into her Michael Kors handbag and just when you think you’re night is complete she will try and snog the taxi man on the way home. You know it is wrong to laugh but the visions of her trying to leave the bar on invisible roller skates will stay with you for a long time.
LITTLE MISS STORY TELLER – This girl never lets the truth get in the way of a good story. Every tale she tells will have you hooked on every word. She is like a drug you can’t get enough of………… Until 3am when the stories start to slow, the glazed look appears and she “can’t quite remember what she was saying”. Little Miss Story Teller is often seen with a fag in hand and her eyes will close as she remembers every detail of what you got up to with her husband at summer camp 1990. She loves to reminisce and will think nothing of cycling home on your sons bike at 4am “just for the craic”.
So which one are you??? or are you a bit of both. I know which one I am…………………….
Happy Girls night out xxx
Lot of smarts in that posignt!