I am many (many) things, some good, some not so hot….. But I am honest. So I am embracing my honesty and owning up to a recent cock up………… Lets just call it a……………A LESSON LEARNT…….
So, being the brain surgeon that I am (I am 8 episodes into ‘Greys anatomy’ so that counts). I understand the human brain very well…………. But my brain works a bit differently to others, there are essentially only two components to my simple brain…………………..
A) THE COCKY LITTLE ACORN (CLA) – This is the part of my brain, that tells me, I am amazing, the best on the earth and I am capable of anything. This part of my brain, has proven in the past to be very dangerous when mixed with alcohol and has lead me to do many foolish things, (but, thats for another blog……….)
B) BRANCH OF DOUBT (BOD)– This part of my brain, is the one, that tells me I am useless, it makes me question every decision I make. It is essentially like an Irish mother, a running commentary in the background of my thoughts “it’ll all go tits up”, “wait ’til the neighbours hear what you’ve done” and of course the fateful “I told you so”…………………….
These two components of the brain, are constantly at war. The following, is an actual excerpt of what happened in my brain a few months ago. I had a small 2 hour wedding coverage and about 8 shoots in the studio, so rather than turn down the studio sessions, my assistant covered them, while I covered the local wedding.
SAT MORNING 5AM
CLA – Ye ha its only 5am, go back to sleep you amazingly wonderful person. You are set to do great things today. Aren’t you lucky, you don’t suffer from this thing they call ‘anxiety?’, sure close your eyes and go back to sleep, sure, you look like sleeping beauty when you sleep….. Go on ya good thing.
BOD – Thank goodness, but I really hope I don’t sleep in…. An extra 90 mins would be great
(What happened during this 90 mins of sleep was the worst ‘wedding mare’ I have ever had…….. For those of you not familiar with the term “wedding mare”, it is a nightmare that most (good) wedding photographers have at some point in their professional career. It normally ends in tears and leaves you traumatised for days. So meanwhile, back at my ‘wedding mare’………………….I turned up at the venue (in my pyjamas, with no shoes, and my hair in pink pigtails). I went to start shooting and realised I had no camera, or camera bag, so I started to use my Iphone. I didn’t know the groom, but he was a mean mofo who didn’t like me (at all), and if all that wasn’t enough it turned out that I was supposed to be shooting two weddings at the same time….. in the same venue!!!!!
90 minutes later, the sound of my alarm, pulled me out of this pyjama induced hell. The sweat was pouring of me, my heart was thumping like a barn door on a windy night, and my mind was a mixture of relief that it was a dream and impending doom).
On the drive to the wedding………….
BOD – Phew, that dream was some craic, what if something like that happens, what if this is the wrong location? What if the wedding was an hour ago? What if I haven’t put memory cards in my camera?
CLA – Wise up ya twat, sure aren’t you the best photographer in the land?, sure didn’t you set up the studio, test the lights, you even typed up a timetable and a list for your assistant. You are amazing, and sure haven’t ya two cameras? Not to mention your endless banter, chat and don’t get me started on how good you look in those pyjamas……. ha ha, im only joking, you look shit hot in those trousers. Now get out of the car and give the world your greatness.
BOD – Ok, smile at everyone, wave, introduce yourself, is that the groom? No maybe it’s his brother and he thinks you’re a total twat now, do you kiss or shake hands? If you kiss him, he might think you’re flirting, if you shake his hand, you might miss and remember what happened at the last wedding? That was so NOT where you meant to put your hand. Is everyone looking at you? they all think that you are a shite photographer? You are a shite photographer, what the hell are you doing here, run, ya big crazy ba%tard.
CLA – Stop talking pure dung, you are David Bailey, you are on fire bitch…. Now get that camera out, and get shooting these lucky, lucky people. Sure look at you, going up in the world, with your two Sony bodies and your 70-200? (technical speak for cool gear), you have made it my friend. That’s it, out you go, breathe and start shooting, sure look? your first photo is an award winner and its only of the grass. Ah oh, your battery says 3%, sure isnt it just as well you have another one, in the camera body, just slide it on in, and strut your stuff. Oh dear………. this battery says 20%…….. Houston we have a problem.
BOD– You stupid fu^kwit, what were you thinking?, why did you even get out of bed? Just double check that you have shoes on ya big tit…… what are you going to do? You have 20% battery in the camera, 20%????!!!!!!, wait…… you have only started using Sony, you don’t even know what 20% means. I know, run, just run…………….how did this happen? We charged both batteries last night!!
CLA – OK lets calm down here, text your husband get him to drive like Mario and get him to bring the charger…………. tell him to leave it under your car in the car park, and you, my friend, smile, act casual and ‘pretend’ to take photos…….. don’t check your photos as, well……, why would you? You are the greatest, (and you might just waste more battery)……This is nothing but a story for this evening. Look at you, out there smiling like a chesire cat, lesser mortals would have the pi$$ running out of them.
BOD – I am going to die, I am actually going to die, I cant breathe, I think I am going to wet myself, think, think, think…………. ok, should I ‘pretend’ to have a heart attack and hope that the defib will charge the battery? Should I come clean?, tell them I am a useless waste of life and ask them if they would like to throw me in the river? I have to tell someone, oh, I think that could be my third heart attack right there.
CLA– ‘Tell someone?’ what sort of a woose are you? Just wait on the perfect shot, then pretend to take photos, go round take photos of details, sure you can add them later, when your charger comes. Ach, look, sure there is the service starting and everyone is looking at you, like you are wonderful, two shots coming down the aisle, perfect, sure isn’t it lovely that the service is outside?, and don’t you look amazing? Sure no one is looking at the bride, that’s it, keep shooting, aye sure get down on your knees, they will all think you’re wonderful, creative and so god damn cool.
BOD – Sh!t, mc sh!t, everyone knows, they all know… I am the worst photographer ever……. how am I going to get the charger from the car park? I know, I will pretend to take a shot from far away and run like Mo Farah to the car, stick it up my jumper and back to the service. I am never going to carry this off, what am I doing? Oh!….. and theres the 4th heart attack….. and a bit of pee…………………….
CLA – That’s it you little gem, sure no one notices the charger up your shirt, they will all be wearing the chargers like this next week……. look how fast you can run, you really must sign yourself up for a triathalon, you could win it…….. now to find a socket, sure shove that singer out of the way and just you hook up that charger, you got this……. and that sweat dripping off your nose??? sure it is only highlighting your eyes…….
BOD – What happens if it’s the charger that’s faulty? Why did I leave those spare batteries in a shopping basket on an amazon website??? Why did I not read the 100,000 page manual that came with the camera?, and why, oh why, did I not check the batteries before I left the office?………Big, fat, ugly, sweaty, cant-run.. Dipstick, you are so applying for McDonalds after this, in fact, no…… McDonalds wouldn’t have you.
CLA – Now, now sure you know you could RUN McDonalds if you wanted and sure look at you, you big mad entreprenuer, sure you have someone shooting for you in the studio, while you go out and make the big bucks at the wedding, maybe you should phone Lord Sugar and offer some sound business advice?……… now off you go and take more of those amazing photos you can take in your sleep………
BOD – Right, the charger, is working, you are in the clear for now, but you are useless, you must never be allowed near another wedding. Now don’t even think of going near the cake, you’ll probably fall into it………. Just dream of getting home and filling the bath full of vodka.
CLA – Look at you riding that little storm, sure look how strong it has made you? Why would you need spare batteries when you have such wit, charm and a super quick thinking brain? Now off you go and charm those mere mortals………… shoot like the legend you are, I am sure there is a millionaire out there, who wants to fly you first class to Vegas for some family photos……. Oh no, its just Uncle Bob wondering if you have a battery charger………………